I have been OUT to my friends and family as a bisexual/pansexual and polyamourous for about four years now. I have also been looking for someone to have a family with for most of my adult dating life.
Now I’m starting to wonder if I have made something that was already taking me longer than most people to find, into something nearly impossible for me to find. Or, perhaps there is something else going on that I’m missing.
I have a bunch of reasons and excuses for why it’s not working for me to find someone to settle down with and raise children:
- There is something wrong with me
- There is something wrong with everyone else
- People are not truly committed, they give up too easily, and walk away
- I’m often attracted to creative, hippie-types like myself, and then neither of us can afford to have children and remain living in the city, and I’m not willing to move outside the city.
Now that I’m dating within the open / poly community, I’ve added some new ones to the list:
- People just aren’t looking for the specific kind of relationship that I am looking for
- People who say they are polyamourous are only really interested in the “poly” part, but not so much the “armoury” part of the equation
- People in open / poly relationships either already have the children they wanted to have from previous or existing partnership, or just don’t want to have children at all.
Now I’m starting to wonder if any of this is actually true, or if it might just be more about me not being clear, honest, or open enough about what I really want. Perhaps I’m not even totally clear within myself about what my actual priorities are in terms of relationship goals. And then how can the right person show up in my life if I’m not even clear on what I want?
Also, even when fun relationships come up that I enjoy, but that I already know don’t fit within my long term plan, I continue with them anyway. Sometimes for much longer than is practical or emotionally advisable for either of us. I end up wasting a lot of their time and mine, by not being clear, and not being willing to walk away when I know it’s not a fit.
Also, casual sex is fun, and a lot less work than a committed relationship and a family would be. So if I’m honest with myself, I’m also just have not not really been willing to do the work to make this happen. I’d rather procrastinate on the family plan, in favour of the fun and easy casual sex that’s right there and supper convenient.
But then, I wake up one day, and I’m in the middle of a pandemic, and everyone is socially distancing with their partners, and I’m alone. I have no one to hold me at night. No one to share meals with, or a bottle of wine in the evenings.
Nobody encourages me to go for my goals, or holds me accountable to what I say I’m committed to. And all of a sudden I’m faced with the down side to this lazy way I have gotten used to being. I could end up alone forever. I could run out of time before I find the right person to have a family with.
So here I am, being more clear, authentic and open about what I want, in the most public place that I can imagine.
Yikes! This is scary! But Fuck It! Here goes…
Folks, I am looking for a person or persons to live with and raise a family together, in Toronto. It doesn’t matter what sex or gender they identify as, or were born as. Although if they were assigned female at birth, or are a post op trans woman and don’t have their sperms frozen, then we may have to figure something out in terms of a sperm donor. We can figure that out when the time comes.
I am looking for someone who is at least open to the idea of non-monogamy, although I am willing to compromise here. For me the priority is a primary partner who wants to do the making and raising babies together thing. I would like to try to carry a child myself, but if that’s a no-go, I’ve never actually tried so who knows maybe I can’t, but I would like to try. But if that doesn’t work, perhaps another female partner could carry our child, or we could adopt. I’m open to all of these possibilities.
This person should be creative enough to appreciate me for who I am and what I value, but also be in a more stable economic situation than I am, with career and finances. I am a freelancer, I often go for long periods of time without work, particularly in the winter months. And I cannot afford to have a child on my own. I also don’t want to do it on my own, I want to have a partner or a relationship community to raise my child with. “It takes a village” mentality.
I would need and want the support of someone who is happy to be the breadwinner in the family, or a person or group of people who are as creative with finances as I am. And we can come up with a strategy to make it work, despite all being on smaller artist / freelancer salaries.
I’ve also put together this list of the kinds of people that I really click with usually. The ones that I instantly fall in love with, and become besties with in the blink of an eye. This is based on some of my closest friendships, some of whom have lasted a lifetime:
- We both have the space in our lives to let the other person into our world and our hearts
- We are in a completely new space together, sharing a new experience, both entering a new chapter in our lives, going on a journey together, we don’t have it all figured out, we are open to creating something new together
- Social: we can both “hold our own” in social situations, we are both extroverted enough to be comfortable at parties, even if we don’t know anyone there accept each other, but we don’t need to depend on each other to have a good time.
- You are silly, funny, like to laugh and play and joke around a lot, and talk about everything, both the funny and the serious stuff.
- Convenience: we don’t live too far away from each other to start with, are accessible to one another, and available often to spend time together
- We are both curious and open minded people
- We both like to eat and drink pretty much anything, not too picky, open to trying new things. If one of us says: “let’s order the beef tongue.” the other person would be like “That’s super weird, let’s do it!”
- Vulnerability: willing to cry with each other very early in our friendship/relationship. Willing to lay yourself bare and be truly authentic about your thoughts, fears, passions and struggles. Kind of raw emotionally already, so it’s easier to open up about what we are both dealing with. A good communicator and a good listener.
- We are a good balance for each other: You are more relaxed, easy-going, chill, and willing to put up with shit that makes you uncomfortable, and maybe even a little too easy-going about it. And I am too empathetic, type-A and get very emotional and upset about things. And you bring me down to earth. And I bring you out of your shell a bit, I encourage you to speak up when you are uncomfortable, so it’s safe to be doing something that might make you feel scared.
- So in other words, you’re a chill person who has the ability to be lazy, but also has a side to them that wants to be pulled out, to do the crazy fun things. You need an instigator, That’s Me! “You bring the alcohol, I’ll bring the bad decisions.” You are willing to come out with me and be “bad”, but you need a little help to remember that’s actually what you really want.
- Fun & Weird!
- Liberal minded: hippy-like, same ideology, values, and our sense of morality and politics are similar. If you lived in the US, you would have voted for Bernie Sanders. But since you live here in Canada, you voted Liberal, NDP or Green Party. And you did vote! You take actions and give your word to the things you believe in, you are committed
- You are an empathetic person
I have tried all kinds of dating apps including: Plenty of Fish, Bumble, Tinder and most recently OKCupid, which I find is a little bit better for people looking for alternative relationships. But I still don’t feel like I’m finding the right people for me.
And that may be because I haven’t been clear enough, brave enough or vulnerable enough to say what I really want. I’ve been playing it safe. I’ve been playing a game of, “I’m a fun, easy-going, social butterfly, with no expectations.” And that’s a fucking LIE!
So no more of that shit!
Here’s my truth. It’s out there, and maybe somebody will read this blog post and go “shit that’s me!!” Or “I think I know somebody just like that who’s single right now”.
Or maybe not, maybe this person really is impossible to find. But I know for a fact that I’ll never find them if I’m not willing to be honest about what I really want.
So this is my request to the world. Please help me find them if you can.