https://www.meghantelpner.com/blog/how-i-healed-from-crohns-disease/
Day 11: I’ve regressed slightly in my healing (Thurs March 26, 2020)
Perhaps I was getting a bit ahead of myself, thinking that I was a lot better than I am. I have been taking two extra strength Tylenol cold and flu every day, and two again every night, before I get ready for bed. It was really helping a lot to clear my airways, so I could breathe a little easier all day and all night.
Yesterday because I woke up feeling so much improved I didn’t bother with my day time meds, and it was far too late at night before I remembered to take my night time ones, so they took too long to kick-in and I had a terrible sleep. I woke up feeling like I had gone back a few days with my health. Sleep really is the most important thing for healing.
I’m trying to get myself off to bed a little earlier tonight. Perhaps I will be feeling a little better by tomorrow. And perhaps I also need to remember to go easy on myself. I’ve been very sick. I have a tendency to beat myself up when I’m feeling unwell or down for too long, and I can feel my productivity slipping. I start feeling guilty about it and I give myself a hard time.
My friend who knows a thing or two about a thing or two, told me that this is what it looks like to be sick with an unknown virus, anxious, and scared, in the middle of a global pandemic. All of these things: being sick, being very anxious and scared about the unknowable things I am dealing with on a daily basis, each of these things consumes a lot of energy on their own. Together, it’s no wonder I’m exhausted.
I’m scared of letting that anxiety and depression take me down. I have let it do so in the past. I had to go down pretty far before I was willing to do the work of starting to pull myself back out of it again. And I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t let that happen to me again. That I wouldn’t let myself get so low. However, avoiding these feelings and trying to push myself to “power through this,” does not work either.
I’ve made the decision, I will publish this journal as a blog. Even though it absolutely terrifies me to do so. I have so much anxiety around sharing my personal or creative writing with others, as do I about sharing the fact of my disastrous finances with others, or my health and this whole pandemic situation. And, I’ve let my fear and anxiety stop me far too much in my life.
Today while chatting with my friend, I was reminded of a time in my life when I was miss-diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. In the end I don’t have it, but at that time I had been diagnosed with it, and was struggling to come to terms with this very serious, chronic illness that could completely change my life. From what I read it could have, at some point, meant needing surgery, even having a colostomy bag for the rest of my life. A very scary thought for a young twenty-something.
It was a difficult time in my life, nothing in any of the medical journals was very promising to read, and a lot of the medical professionals I was dealing with were not very forthcoming with any kind of information that was helpful to my mind or my spirit. Least of all the Dragon Lady Gastroenterologist, I had some brief appointments with. She would never let me ask her any questions about the things I was scared about. She had no time for me.
One day while on the internet searching for answers, I came across the blog of a young woman named Meghan Telpner (pictured above), who was diagnosed with a very severe case of Crohn’s Disease, and was told that she would have to have surgery. She was told there were no other options. She refused to accept that, and she went on a journey to find a way to heal her body naturally. Her blog inspired me to do the same for myself. Many years later, I found myself healed of my Crohn’s Disease as well.
So perhaps my blogging about my personal journey both with this virus, and also with my struggles with my career and finances, my mental and physical health and well-being, my thoughts, feelings, fears and anxieties… Perhaps putting it all out there for the world to read could help someone. Just like Meghan’s blog about her journey with Crohn’s disease helped me. It’s time to stop letting my fears and anxieties rule my life.
Not ignoring them, there is a reason I’m scared, it’s probably a very good reason. Failure is an almost certain hurdle I will have to stumble over, time and time again. And a lot of people are scared right now. A lot of people don’t know what to do. A lot of people are angry because they don’t know how to deal with their own fear.
It’s OK to be afraid, it’s OK to have anxiety, and it’s OK to go easy on yourself, to go slow, and have whole days in bed with very little to nothing accomplished. It’s OK to take long naps and watch lots of entertaining movies and TV shows on Netflix.
And it’s also good to say: thank you fear. You have gotten me through some tough times. You have saved my life on more than one occasion, you have gotten me this far. And, you are not in charge of my life anymore. You don’t get to choose. I will listen to you. I will allow you to speak, and I will nurture and treasure you, and treat you as the precious little child you are, oh fear.
And then I will kiss you on the head, and let you go, and do what I need to do, to be brave, and get shit done. I’ll take the next step with my life and career, because it might help someone else with theirs. And even if not, it might help me to overcome another obstacle I’ve been letting stand in the way of my path forward.
Big deep breath in… (Ouch! That hurts).